BREAKING: American Freedom Found in Iraq

Jack Parkos | @j.ackp

The Iraq war began in 2003 and has caused the death of over four thousand American soldiers and devastated civilians. The war was controversial from the beginning; many people protested and spoke out against it. When people questioned the war, the state often insisted that we were over there fighting for our freedoms. Many thought this was a made-up scapegoat, but it turns out our freedom really was in Iraq the whole time.

American troops were occupying a village near an oil field outside of Mosul. Soldiers heard talk of a mysterious object in the bottom of an oil well. Fearing it was a weapon of mass destruction, the troops investigated. But what they found instead shocked the world: American freedom was at the bottom of the well.

Soldiers quickly rushed it back to base, where it reared its head towards the commanding officer. Though he quickly dismissed it as some anti-government scheme, the troops eventually were able to show him that they had indeed returned American freedom. At that point, they quickly rushed the freedom home by plane, leaving the soldiers to fight for nothing in the scorching desert.

Bush and Obama on American Freedom

George W. Bush, president during the start of the invasion of Iraq, responded to the findings positively. “I’m glad we finally found it,” he said. “When we didn’t find the WMDs, I feared that people would realize this war was for nothing. But this, this is exactly what we needed.”

The media also asked Bush what prompted him to invade Iraq. “I noticed the militarization of the police and the erosion of our rights. The government was growing and we couldn’t find American freedom. I figured Saddam Hussein was at fault for all of this and what do you know, I was right.”

Bush was not the only one excited to hear. President Obama also shared his thoughts. “At first I thought he (Bush) was crazy for suggesting our freedoms were in Iraq, but once I got into office I realized it all made sense. The NSA, gun control, they were all Saddam’s fault the whole time.”

He also went on to exclaim how he and Hillary Clinton briefly thought that American freedom was really in Syria or Libya. Consequently, he issued a warm apology to the people of Libya for killing Muammar Gaddafi, who was, in fact, innocent of stealing freedom.

Further Reactions

One Iraqi citizen explained how he was “confused as to why the Americans invaded us and destabilized the region.” But after finding out that Iraq had American freedom the whole time, he understood that the mass slaughter of civilians throughout the Middle East was necessary.

The news thrilled President Trump, who quickly took to Twitter exclaiming how he did what “Crooked Hillary” and Obama could never. Going forward, the president plans to establish a new cabinet position, “Secretary of Freedom Guarding”, to guard American freedom, which he will personally place in a vault at a confidential site.

John Bolton, a former advisor to Bush, has called for George W. Bush’s addition to Mt. Rushmore for “saving American freedom.” Charlie Kirk of Turning Point USA agreed, starting an online petition that has since garnered the signature of every human and most police dogs in the world.

Note: This is a work of satire. The events portrayed are a parody of political happenings and have no instance in the real world. 

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