Ian Brzeski | @ianbrzeski
Are you struggling to convince your friend on why Donald Trump is the worst and most racist president alive? Or maybe you want to convince them on why he is our Lord and Savior. Whatever the case, this article will prepare you on how you can win those arguments and convince all your close family and friends to see things from your point of view. No more stupid liberals blowing up your twitter feeds, no more Hitler-esque MAGA supporters walking around the streets. With these tips on how to beat any political opponent across the spectrum, you will become unstoppable.
How to Win Any Argument as a Conservative
Preparation
To beat somebody in an argument, you are going to need a couple of weeks to prepare. The first step when preparing to argue with somebody who is not conservative is to look in your mirror every morning and tell yourself that everybody else is a liberal snowflake. When arguing with a liberal snowflake, they are going to cry 100% of the time. It is pretty much guaranteed. Doing this will give you the motivation and confidence you need to destroy that liberal.
Furthermore, to continue your preparation, you have to listen to Ben Shapiro every night before you go to bed. Make sure to memorize every single one of his lines in every video you watch. I recommend watching the videos titled “Ben Shapiro DESTROYS Crazy Libtard” or similar.
In the Debate
Now that you have prepared for your argument, you are ready to seek out somebody to destroy. Upon finding a person, make sure the first thing you mention is how great of a president Donald Trump is. This is going to trigger and shock them. To illustrate this, their hands will be sweating, they will be profusely shaking, and their first reaction will be to call you a racist. This is precisely the kind of response you want. You now have the upper hand and are ready to obliterate them in any argument.
Some other things you may want to mention:
- Liberalism is a disease.
- If you are pro-choice, you are a baby killer. Therefore, any other argument you make is invalid.
- If you do not support Israel, you hate the United States. Oh, and you also hate Jews too.
- ISIS will take over the United States if we do not relentlessly bomb the Middle East to find our freedom.
- If you do not stand for the flag, you are quite literally the worst person in the world and deserve to die.
- Facts don’t care about your feelings.
- Back the blue.
- If you aren’t with us, you are against us.
- It is your duty to die for your country.
- Transgender people are mentally ill.
- Illegal immigrants are murderers and rapists.
- Allowing refugees into the country is the same as allowing Isis into the country.
- The Confederate flag is not racist.
- If you hate the government so much, why don’t you just leave?
- Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.
Closing the Debate
After presenting all of these facts, you want to hit them with the “libtard.” There is no recovery for them once you call them a “libtard.” After calling them that, walk away and do not pay attention to any single word they say. You have won. Congratulations. Go home and celebrate by grabbing a beer and putting on some Fox News in your trailer home.
How to Win Any Argument as a Liberal
Preparation
First, educate yourself, learning that both conservatives and libertarians are two sides of the same coin. After all, libertarianism and conservatism are both alt-right political ideologies that resemble fascism. Once you recognize this, it is easily assumed at this point that you are morally a better person than everybody else. Libertarians and conservatives are the most hateful and racist people out there. To make it even worse, they hate poor people. You want people to have affordable healthcare and a stable social safety net; they don’t. They honestly do not even exist outside of the internet. How could they? You have never associated with them in your life.
After you realize that you are better than everybody else is when you can start listening to comedians reuse the same Donald Trump jokes over and over again. God damn, those jokes are so funny. They never get old. When you are around your buddies, make sure to repeat those jokes because they are so damn hilarious. It is not like they watched the same John Oliver episode you watched last night.
In the Debate
Things to say in a debate:
- Climate change will kill everybody within the next 36 hours.
- Donald Trump is racist.
- Hillary won the popular vote so she should be president.
- Donald Trump is orange.
- Russia hacked the elections.
- Donald Trump is sexist.
- Kavanaugh is a rapist.
- Donald Trump is misogynistic.
- End the wars except when Donald Trump wants to, then blow up Muslims.
- Donald Trump is a murderer.
- Abolish the electoral college.
- Donald Trump is literally Hitler.
- Making at least $30 an hour is a fundamental human right.
- Donald Trump is a Nazi.
- My body my choice.
- Donald Trump is a baby.
- Hate speech is murder.
Closing the Debate
The simplest way for you to win and effectively close out the debate is to call your opponent a racist and to start crying immediately. They will be taken aback, and be at a loss for words. They also may make fun of you, but that is further proving your point that you are the better person. Never forget that you should tune out anything points they try to make. After all, those points are inherently racist and have no real value.
How to Win Any Argument as a Libertarian
Preparation
As you scratch your neckbeard with “Liberty Defined” by Ron Paul in your hand, you have realized that everybody is a statist, even other libertarians. Libertarians are not libertarian enough, and some libertarians are too radical (@ ancaps). “Everybody is an NPC except for me,” is what you tell yourself as you look at your diverse collection of literature ranging from Murray Rothbard all the way to Milton Friedman. You have all the answers already. You do not even need this article to know how to win an argument. Friedrich Hayek taught you everything you need to know, thus, you are prepared.
In the Debate
I know you already know everything, but here are some things you may want to mention in your debate in case you forget:
- Taxation is theft.
- End the Fed.
- Legalize all drugs.
- No victim no crime.
- Make fun of people who say “But who will build the roads?.” This is an effective and hilarious tactic because you know deep down that the private sector will be able to handle the roads. God, you are so funny.
- Gun control is literally murder.
- The free market will solve all problems.
- Libertarianism is an objective and moral truth.
- If somebody ends up leaving libertarianism, they were never a true libertarian in the first place because they must not have read Murray Rothbard. The words of Murray Rothbard will convert anybody to the one true objective truth.
- The only good communist is a dead communist.
- Socialism kills.
- There is no such thing as a good cop.
- We live in a police state.
- But what if the child consents?
Closing the Debate
At the end of the day, you want people to do as they please as long as they are not directly hurting somebody. Your opponent obviously does not agree with this, however, so the last thing you need to do to ensure your victory is it call them “statist scum.” Statists are parasites that leech off others through the power of the state. Statists want to take away your freedoms and are the equivalent to Satan. Thus, make sure your opponent knows what kind of filth they are.
How to Win Any Argument as a Socialist
Preparation
“From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.” Repeat this phrase over and over in your head. Repeat it until that is all you can think about. These words will transcend your mind to an intellect never seen before. Let’s be honest here; you can’t just be a socialist. You have to go all the way and hit some more radical levels. Become an anarcho-communist, an anarcho-syndicalist, or even an anarcho-primitivist. Embrace more radical ideas than socialism. You are weak if you don’t. This is like when a libertarian is too afraid to become an anarcho-capitalist. Like seriously, stop being a wimp and just go full communist. Communism or nothing is what I like to say.
In the Debate
Things to mention in a debate:
- Capitalism kills.
- The world sucks because of capitalism.
- Capitalism is quite literally the worst.
- Real socialism has never been tried.
- Scarcity is a hoax.
- Antifa stands for anti-fascist, so they must be good and do no wrong.
- Kill the 1%.
- Israel deserves death.
- Noam Chomsky’s word is the true word of God.
- All cops are bastards.
- Sex work is exploitation and is a direct result of capitalism.
- Kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong.
Closing the Debate
The easiest way for you to win an argument here is to beat the living hell out of your opponent. You see this tactic with Antifa and kids on college campuses, and they always seem to face little to no repercussions. You can’t lose the argument if your hateful opponent is incapacitated.
The following subsections will show how you can beat unconventional political ideologies.
How to Beat a Fascist in an Argument
Look, if you can’t beat a fascist in an argument by yourself, then there is no hope for you. Just get out of politics and never look back.
How to Beat a Maoist/Stalinist in an Argument
Mao Zedong and Stalin both killed millions upon millions of people. Again, if you can’t win this argument, get out of politics. Losing here is almost as embarrassing as losing to a fascist.
How to beat an Anarcho-Primitivist in an Argument
Bring up the famed anarcho-primitivist, Ted Kaczynski. With that, your argument has been won. You’re welcome.
How to beat an Anarcho-Communist in an Argument
Tell these commies that anarchy and communism can’t go together. It is impossible. Communism=big government. Anarchy=no government. Therefore, anarcho-communism is an oxymoron. Congratulations, you just made an entire political ideology obsolete.
Guaranteed Victory
Sticking to the outline on how to win an argument while maintaining a specific political ideology as well as adhering to the framework on how to beat obscure ideologies, you will become unstoppable. There is not a single political argument that you can lose. This outline will work in every single circumstance. Want to run for president? I can guarantee that if you follow the steps I laid out for your debates, you will get at least 99% of the votes.
Thank you for coming to my Ted talk. Now you know how to obliterate and shatter anybody in an argument about politics. If there is one thing you can take away from this article, I want it to be this: if you ever feel like you are losing an argument, cover your ears, call your opponent an idiot, and walk away. It works like a charm. It is a cheat code that works on every single argument, even non-political arguments. Now, go out there and destroy some idiots.
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