Tag: satire

Black Belts Banned in California Over Public Safety Concern

Ryan Lau | @agorisms | Satire

In a shocking new development in California Sunday afternoon, Governor Gavin Newsom signed a law that would ban martial artists from becoming black belts. The measure passed through state legislature easily after the murder of an innocent man at the hands of a karate black belt.

Three weeks ago, 35-year-old dojo owner Jason Shreve was walking home from work when a masked man attacked him with a knife. In defense, he disarmed and broke the leg of the man, who died that night from hypothermia. One state senator called the act “inexcusable”, pointing to a recent rise in attacks by martial artists and comparing it to gun violence.

“You simply don’t see this pattern in other developed countries”, asserted Toni Atkins, the state’s Senate President pro Tempore. “And in those countries, people aren’t allowed to just turn themselves into military-grade weapons. This measure will certainly help to keep citizens of California safe”.

Penalties for Black Belts

The bill, which goes into effect March 1st, makes it a felony to knowingly promote a karate student to the rank of black belt or higher. Existing black belts may keep their positions, but may not advance in degree. Dojo owners in violation of the law will face a minimum fine of $100,000 and up to three years in prison. Black belts caught seeking training will also face a smaller fine of $5,000 for the first offense.

Additionally, it outlines severe penalties for practicing self-defense techniques in the real world. Lower ranks may continue to practice only in registered dojos. Anyone learning or teaching martial arts beyond a state-recognized location may face up to a year’s imprisonment. Black belts doing the same may also be subject to treason charges. The bill makes it clear that the government provides security for its citizens; therefore, the only reason people would need to turn themselves into weapons is to use themselves against the state.

In efforts to pacify martial artists in the state, California will be voluntarily buying back all black belts from March 1st to June 1st. Compensation will vary depending on the age of the belt and what school it came from. However, lawmakers warn that any citizen hoping to pass off their normal black belt for a martial arts black belt will face stiff penalties.

America’s Martial Arts Problem

Proponents of the law have pointed out how easy it is to begin martial arts training in America. Brown has previously noted that “it’s easier to begin the road to a black belt than it is to get birth control. You can just walk into a dojo and sign a form; the next thing you know, they’re converting your body into a deadly weapon. This practice is not American and does not represent the values we preach in California. I hope other states can follow our lead and bring this country out of the dark”.

All in all, the state legislature echoed Brown’s sentiment. They believe that the new measure will help to deter violence. Despite this, minority rights groups believe that the new law will unfairly affect minority colors.

“The government is clearly banning black belts while allowing white belts to still train”, remarked minority rights activist from the group Black Belts Matter. “I thought that we had abandoned these policies 50 years ago, but it appears discrimination in America is still rampant”.

Currently, seven other states require all martial artists to register themselves with authorities as lethal weapons. This move is unique thus far to the Golden State. However, the United Kingdom recently passed a similar measure that strictly outlawed all martial arts in formal dojos.


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Lil Pump Is a True Libertarian Icon

By Max Bibeau | Satire

Gazzy Garcia, better known by his stage name Lil Pump, was recently arrested for driving without a license in Miami. Despite the mild nature of his charge, Lil Pump’s personality, lyrics, and actions all prove his libertarian tendencies.

A known drug user, Pump’s first clear endorsement of libertarianism comes from his disrespect of drug laws. In his recent hit “Drug Addicts,” Pump brags not only about his habit, but his lack of care when his drug use is brought into legal question.

I ain’t never listen to nobody (no!)
In the courthouse off of ecstasy (god damn!)

Drug legalization is a core tenet of libertarianism, and Pump clearly recognizes this. He engages in civil disobedience against the state. Pump, clearly, is taking drugs as a form of peaceful protest, and ignoring laws that limit his bodily autonomy. Many average libertarians advocate drug legalization. However, Pump takes this to the next level, practicing civil disobedience daily, bragging about his agorist tendencies through buying substances, and disrespecting authority that he deems illegitimate.

Second, Pump’s personality and lyrics promote a rebellious lifestyle, influencing his listeners and fans towards the libertarian ideology. Pump’s hit song “Crazy” is a libertarian anthem, promoting rebellion and an anti-state lifestyle.

I pop hella Molly, I drive Maserati
Then shut down your party, I air out the shawty
We drink hella water, we run through your daughter

I do this sh*t on the daily, yeah
I do this sh*t on the daily, ayy

In the song, Pump’s aggressive lyrics vividly describe his everyday life, taking drugs and driving fast cars, presumably breaking the speed limit and other statist driving regulations. He follows the description up by reassuring his listeners that “[He] does this sh*t on the daily”. This proves that he lives an anti-state lifestyle and urges his supporters to do the same.

Pump even proves that he lives this life outside of his songs through his recent Florida arrest. Police pulled him over in a Rolls Royce for speeding. But not long after, the officer discovered that Pump did not have a valid license or license plate. After his arrest, Pump smiled in his mugshot. Surely, this proves he truly enjoys these non-violent, anti-state protests.

Lil Pump Mugshot
Lil Pump’s Mugshot

Finally, the title of Pump’s upcoming album, the “Harvard Dropout” tape, demonstrates his hatred of the establishment. In particular, he despises the elitist nature of modern colleges. It’s no secret that college campuses are increasingly opposing free speech. Pump does not stand for this, thus advocating for students to drop out of oppressive institutions. The stereotypical American life now includes going to college for 4 years or more, but Pump wishes students to break out of the oppressive status quo, protecting their rights and allowing them to follow their dreams.

Libertarians have largely ignored the increasing threat to the First Amendment on college campuses. However, Pump realizes the problem and directly addresses it. He even goes so far as to give the younger generation a way to protect their rights. Pump also serves as a role model to many of his supporters. For example, one man could have followed the stereotypical American life of going to college and getting a 9-to-5 job. Instead, he chose to drop out and “save the rap game.”

After examining some of Lil Pump’s lyrics and actions, we can clearly see that he is a dedicated libertarian. Through his drug use and disrespect of illegitimate laws, Pump protests with civil disobedience and agorism. Pump also promotes a rebellious and anti-state lifestyle in his supporters through his songs and actions, influencing his fans. Finally, Pump demonstrates a proactive approach towards protecting his rights by dropping out of oppressive institutions like Harvard to follow his dreams. Lil Pump may seem like an everyday rapper, but that is part of the genius. A deeper analysis immediately proves Pump’s libertarian tendencies.


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