In Tuesday night’s Democratic debate, presidential candidate Joe Biden made instant history. With a confused statement regarding the capital gains tax, the candidate forgot for a brief moment that he was running as a Democrat. The 78-year-old man firmly asserted that he would “eliminate the capital gains tax” in an exchange with competitors. Following the debate, Biden apologized, explaining that he thought for a moment that he was running for the Libertarian nomination.
“There are just too many parties to keep track of these days”, the senior candidate woefully mused post-debate. Quickly downing a Five Hour Energy, he added, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some minorities to disenfranchise.”
President Trump was unsurprisingly quick to latch on to the gaffe. He tweeted at Biden, “Sleepy Joe Biden wants to increase his wealth with HORRIBLE bills that would take away vital funding. He thinks it can make him rich like me. Think again, Joe! He’d rather protect the American taxpayer than Saudi Arabia. Sad!”
The Libertarian Party Embraces Biden
Immediately following the remark, Biden received notable attention from the Libertarian Party. Desperate for someone that might bring in a few extra bucks, representatives from several states contacted the former vice president.
Career third-place candidate Larry Sharpe spoke of the benefits that Biden could bring to the party. “If we had Joe Biden running for president, we’d reach the critical mark of 5% of the vote. At that point, tens of Americans will begin to take us seriously”. When asked why no Libertarian had accomplished this feat thus far, Sharpe failed to point to Aleppo on a map.
LP Chair Nick Sarwark was equally hopeful that the candidate could enhance the struggling party. His reasons, however, differed starkly from Sharpe’s. Rather than emphasizing polling, Sarwark praised the Democratic frontrunner for his consistent libertarian ideals.
“Joe Biden is the embodiment of modern libertarianism, an ideology that draws equally from both sides of the aisle. He is a perfect example of a disgruntled Democrat whom we will welcome with open arms”, Sarwark stated. Prior convert targets of his include John McCain’s corpse and his four young children. None of his efforts have yet succeeded.
An Open Opportunity
Biden’s rivals in the Democratic field jumped on the opportunity to replace him as the frontrunner. Riding in on horseback, Elizabeth Warren made a jibe about the natives taking their country back so close to Columbus Day. Rather than responding, Biden did that thing where his eyes turn red for a few seconds.
Beto O’Rourke was also among those seeking to take the lead in the Democratic primary. “[Biden] has just become the second candidate to have a heart attack during this race”, O’Rourke noted with a nod to Bernie Sanders. “This, Americans, is a death threat. We must implement red flag laws immediately for the safety of our nation.”
On the other hand, Kamala Harris said nothing about the comment. However, sources reveal that immediately after the debate, she attempted to shut down his Twitter account and arrest him for disorderly thought.
Thursday morning, Biden formally apologized to a crowd of empty chairs, ensuring he would never again be so foolish as to suggest allowing Americans to spend their money how they choose. He then stood up, left his dining room, and got back on the campaign trail, hoping to bring home the nomination of whichever party hates Trump more.