2020 Democratic Primary Update

Jack Shields | @Jack_Shields20

The Democrats moved closer towards a 2020 victory today. Front runner Howard Schultz has reached the 50% mark in the most recent CNN Democratic primary poll. With President Trump at a record low approval rating and attempting to sabotage Republican election chances via Twitter, Schultz is set to win the general in a landslide. (Belated) April Fools! The Democrats continue to move further and further to the left, likely ensuring President Trump will win reelection. (The political equivalent of losing to the Browns.) The Democrats are attempting to embarrass themselves just as they did in 2016. 1,876,334 candidates have announced their bid for the Democratic primary. Here are the latest news stories from those Democratic primary candidates which actually matter:

Democratic Primary Candidates

Bernie Sanders:

Supporters were thrilled on Monday as Senator Sanders held a rally in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The long lines were a good sign for the presidential candidate. However, many supporters were annoyed by just how long it took to get inside. Sanders responded to the criticism by declaring, “Comrades! These lines are just practiced for when I’m President!” Sanders then brought political guru, Cher, to the stage. She loudly listed all of Sander’s accomplishments both in government and in the private industry. After the moment of silence ended and she left the stage, Sanders went into his speech, which was exhilarating, to say the least.

Sanders gave out monopoly money, as a way to jump-start his universal basic income program. He released his official plan to pay for college tuition, hereby referred to as the ‘Scott’s Tots College Tuition Program.’ He had good friends and supporters Nicolás Maduro and Raul Castro call in to vocalize their support. Sanders concluded the rally by advocating for the violent seizure of assets from those in the 1%. He noted he would be willing to hold the seized assets at any one of his three houses.

After Hillary Clinton and the Democratic National Convention colluded to screw Sanders in the 2016 Democratic Primary, this year will surely be different.

Elizabeth Warren:

The only candidate to kamikaze their own campaign before it even began this election season. She is still trying to be a female  Sanders. Supporters came into the campaign event when she gave the smoke signal telling them to come in. From there she said everything Sanders said the day before at his rally. However, it was from the perspective of a woman. When asked why she lied about her heritage, her response was that her family lied to her. She added that she was very, very sorry. From there she was asked about the scandal involving the wealthy pulling strings to get their children college admission. She said, “As a Native American and a woman, I can say I am appalled anyone would lie to get extra benefits or a job, and they deserve the death penalty.”

Kamala Harris:

Senator Harris pointed out the advantage of voting for her, the only women, in a primary with many women. From there, in order to prove she’s cool, she smoked weed with her supporters. But the narc in her came out, and she had her supporters arrested while she continued to smoke weed, just like in the old days.

Kirsten Gillibrand:

Senator Gillibrand pointed out the advantage of voting for her as she is a woman. Some asked her why that mattered when many women were running and we should judge people on their merits and not race or gender. However, no one was listening to hear her answer. 

Amy Klobuchar:

Senator Klobuchar had perhaps the most entertaining political rally of any of the candidates. She had aides who had displeased her fight to the death gladiator style before giving her speech. During the speech, aides smiled the entire time on stage and seemed almost afraid to be the first one to stop clapping at the end, with many blinking ‘help’ the entire time.

Joe Biden:

Former Vice President Biden gave out Biden 2020 campaign stickers at an event titled ‘No I’m Not Running for President’. He vowed to fight Trump on stage, and to make Obama Vice President, and then immediately resign. 

Bill de Blasio:

The Mayor of New York City had the most movement in the polls this week. His wife officially declared she would be voting for him, doubling his base. There is honestly no more relevant information.

Cory Booker:

Spartacus’s rebellion continues. Roman soldiers were once more ambushed by several revolting slaves, resulting in many casualties. His position is reportedly the town of Thurii, and Lucius Gellius Publica is currently marching his legions down to put this revolt down once and for all.  

Beto O’Rourke:

The only man to successfully win an election he lost. He entered his latest rally by crashing a car through the wall behind the stage. Then his aides brought a table on stage which he then stood on for the remainder of the rally. From there he said border was terrible behind the gates separating his rally from the outside world. He then criticized gun rights behind armed guards. After that, he managed to answer 30 questions without actually giving policy specifics. When he smiled at a CNN reporter, she fainted. 

After the week’s events, Democrats fell behind in the general polls by 5 points. Then Trump tweeted. We are now back to deadlock. The list of candidates for the Democratic primary is growing, and very few serious candidates are challenging Tump. As long as both sides keep shooting themselves in the foot, expect this pattern every week. Congrats America, we asked for this. That is your weekly update.


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